


Thief of South Park: The Stick of Truth

by Battler127



Category: South Park
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Crush, BAMF New Kid, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, Female Protagonist, Fluff, Light to Offensive Humor, Misgendering, Secrets, South Park: The Stick of Truth, Temporary Amnesia, The New Kid - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21608017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Battler127/pseuds/Battler127
Summary: Moving can be frustrating, even more so when you can barely remember your old life, but Riley Tyson figured she could manage. Then she got invited into some weird role-playing game set in Medieval Fantasy where everything snowballed to hell. Will she be able to keep sane while dealing with the Insanity that is known as South Park or will it all come crashing down when the stakes get raised?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Thief of South Park: The Stick of Truth

It was around the afternoon when the sun was shining, showing the small Mountain Town known to all as South Park and it was bustling with activity.

School was just letting out as kids were going home to hang with friends or play video games while the adults traversed around the town working or shooting the shit.

However, everyone was talking about the same thing.

For the first time in awhile, a new family was moving to South Park and everyone from the children to the adults were interested in who this new family was.

All they knew was that it was a Husband, Wife and a child that will be moving in.

The adults were curious on if this new family would contribute to their town while the kids were happy that something interesting was happening and the idea of a new possible friend was great as well.

The new family were in the midst of unpacking at this very moment.

“I think that’s everything.” Lucas Tyson, a brunette man in his early thirties wearing a white shirt and brown slacks said wiping the sweat off his brow, as he placed a box down before his wife, Taylor Tyson a woman with black hair wearing a green shirt and white jeans gave him a hug.

“We did it hun, we finally moved in.”

Lucas returned the hug with renewed vigor as he laughed. “It’s a new beginning for us, things are finally going to be good.”

Taylor smiled before she adopted a thoughtful look as she thought about the very reason they moved in the first place. “Do you really think it’ll be good for… Her?”

They both gazed towards the stairs before Lucas smiled. “They won’t look for her here, we just need to make sure she doesn’t attract any attention,” He said as he held her hand. “Come on, let’s go see how she’s doing.”

After walking up the stairs, the Tyson’s were standing outside of a room as Taylor knocked. “Riley? Are you done unpacking?”

When they didn’t receive an answer, the Tyson’s gave each other a cautious look before opening the door to show a black haired nine year old girl with her back to them as she had on a red vest, blue pants and red gloves as she was looking at the stuff she had out.

Hearing the door open, the girl turned to show that she had sea blue eyes. “Hi Mom. Dad.” Riley Tyson greeted with a smile to show her front teeth were missing.

“Hey baby girl, how do you like your new room?” Lucas asked as his Daughter gave a shy laugh.

“It’s… Nice?”

“I know it’s a big change for all of us but… Do you remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?” Lucas asked putting a lot of emphasis on the word ‘remember’.

Riley tilted her head to the side curiously as she frowned.

Truth be told, she couldn’t recall anything from before they moved.

All she knew was that her name was Riley and these were her parents.

But that was it.

If she had any friends before the move, or if her life was good or bad was a complete mystery to her.

“She doesn’t remember.” Lucas whispered, forgetting the fact that she was right there.

Taylor whispered back. “She doesn’t remember at all.”

“That’s good, that’s good that she doesn’t remember-.” Lucas stopped as he saw that Riley looked curious.

Taylor took over. “Uh sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don’t you go out and make some friends?”

Riley looked at the ground shyly. “I don’t know.” She muttered.

How do you make friends when you can’t remember making one?

“Right… Get outside and play… Like normal kids.” Lucas said causing Riley to wince.

Normal kid?

Why did that word sting?

“We’ve got some money for you on the kitchen counter sweetie, just be back before it gets dark.”

“I-... I will,” Riley promised as she walked over and hugged each of them. “I love you guys.”

“Love you too.” Lucas said patting her head as she walked downstairs, grabbing the five dollars on the counter before stepping outside, pausing to shiver in the cold air.

Riley went back in and came back out with a blue scarf around her neck as she looked around the area near her house the red one at the end of the street.

“Okay… Make a friend,” Riley whispered unsure about this. “But with who?”

“You shall die by my hammer, Drow Elf.” A voice caused Riley to look over to see that the speaker was a blonde boy who had a circlet on his head and a blue cape wielding a hammer, fighting another kid dressed like an elf fighting with a wooden dagger.

“Nu-uh.” The elf countered the blonde boy as they fought and Riley couldn’t help but smile as she saw them playing what looked like a Medieval Game.

‘ _ M-Maybe one of them will be my friend? _ ’ Riley thought as the blonde boy spoke, blocking a blow from the dagger.

“I banish thee to the forest realm-.” But the elf boy got the upper hand.

“Not if I banish you first.” Elf boy slammed the blonde boy to the floor and began trying to wail on him as the kid was barely blocking with his hammer.

Were they trying to hurt each other?!

“Help, I can’t hold out for long.”

Seeing that, Riley didn’t think as she ran forward and punched the elf, causing him to fall face first in the snow as one of his ears fell off. “Hey that’s cheating, I’m going to tell my Mom.”

As he ran off, blonde boy picked himself up with a grateful smile. “Thanks kid, I didn’t realize he had a health potion,” He said to Riley’s confusion. “My-my name is Butters the Merciful. I’m a Paladin.”

“Uh I’m Riley,” Riley greeted back, not sure what to say about this as it looked like the kid that ran off was about to injure this Butters, but he was playing it off. “The new kid.”

Butter’s eyes widened, although Riley swore that one of his eyes looked a bit off with it going to the side. “Oh I live right next door to you, we should be friends.”

Despite the weirdness of the situation, Riley gave a smile.

She made a friend.

“Oh you should speak with the Wizard King, he’s been talking about your arrival.” Butters said. “He lives in the green house over there.”

Riley blinked, wondering what Butters meant as she followed him.

“So where are you from?” Butters asked curiously before blinking as Riley froze up a bit.

“... New York.” She answered since her parents said they came from there.

“Do you like Colorado?”

“Uh I don’t dislike it.” Riley said not wanting to say she liked it or not considering it was her first day.

“Cool.” Butters said before they came to the green house as the door opened. “All hail the Grand Wizard.”

This Wizard seemed to be another kid who was on the chubby side, hell he looked like he had two chins, wearing a red robe, holding a staff and he had a blue wizard hat with a smiley face stitched onto it.

The chubby kid gave Riley a nonchalant look. “So you are the new kid? Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker, I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh, let me show you my kingdom.”

Feeling more curious, Riley followed Butters and the fat kid as she saw an older woman who was on the couch with her Phone, she looked up when they passed by. “Oh, who’s your friend Eric?”

“Shut up Mom, not now.” Eric responded shocking Riley that he said that to his own mother and she wasn’t even doing anything about it.

But she saw that Butters didn’t look too surprised so she assumed it was normal behavior as they cut through the Kitchen and made it to the backyard as Eric spoke again.

“Welcome to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep.”

“Whoa.” Riley said as she saw a giant cardboard castle in the background with what looked like a town square in front of it.

She had to give these guys props, when they play a game, they go all-out.

“Our Weapon Shop is tended by Clyde, a level fourteen warrior,” Eric said pointing to a kid wearing a helmet and a red shirt before pointing to another kid who was next to a gray cat as he wore a green shirt and cape. “Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by our level nine ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of Diabetes.”

Now Riley was pretty sure she wouldn’t like Eric because of that remark as they got to the last person who looked like a girl at first glance due to the pink dress and blonde wig, but Riley could see that it was clearly a boy who hid his face in an orange parka.

“And here is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the lands,” Eric said before getting close enough to whisper. “Don’t ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it just seems to be the way he’s rolling right now.”

“Uh okay?” Riley said not sure what to say before she swore she heard Princess Kenny speak.

It was muffled but she got some words out. “You wouldn’t let any girls join or Butters be Marjorine, so someone had to be the princess fat ass,” Kenny mumbled before looking at Riley. “Welcome to the neighborhood.”

Riley gave a slow nod as Eric coughed. “You have been sought out new kid because humans everywhere are in great danger,” He said, causing everyone to look at him. “I need something from you and in return I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom.”

“O-Okay.” Riley had a smile.

She was worried at the idea of making friends and now it looks like she made a group of friends.

“I know you are very excited, it’s time for your first quest, but first.” Eric held out a piece of paper. “Please tell us thy name.”

Riley held the slip of paper. “Uh does anyone have a pen?” She asked seeing how Eric wanted her to write it down instead of saying it.

“Here.” Kenny pulled the pen out of… Well his corset and held it out.

“Thanks.” Riley said as she wrote her name down and gave the pen back before handing Eric the paper.

Eric however looked like he was having trouble reading it before a smirk settled in. “You wrote Douchebag, is that correct?”

Riley’s jaw dropped as she swore Clyde and Scott chuckled while Kenny rolled his eyes and Butters winced. “What?!” She asked loudly as she glared at Eric, no the fatass wizard. “It clearly says Riley.”

“Very well Douchebag, you shall now choose a class.” Eric said turning away as Riley clenched a fist at being called that as Butters gave her an apologetic look. “Fighter, Mage, Thief or Jew.”

“What?” Riley asked at hearing that last one as four different sets of clothes were laid out.

She wanted to punch him for calling her a Douchebag, but she knew that if she tried, chances are she would be kicked out of here and she didn’t want that, so she looked at the red clothing.

“A fighter has the ability to kick fucking ass.” Eric said surprising Riley again by how he was before she looked at the light blue. “A Mage is like a Wizard, only not as cool.”

Not wanting to be anything like the Wizard of Fatromancy, Riley looked at the dark blue cloak and green gloves as Eric cupped his chin.

“You look sneaky enough to be a Thief.” He mused as Riley decided to take that as a compliment and she grabbed them, not wanting to know about the last one as she was pretty sure it was something she didn’t need to know. “We welcome to our Kingdom, Douchebag the Thief.”

“It’s Riley!” Riley said through clenched teeth as she had the cloak pulled over her face and the gloves on.

“Hooray!” Butters cheered happy that his new friend was in the game while the others clapped politely.

“Now please go to the Weapons Shop and procure yourself a weapon.” Eric said pointing to Clyde. “Then we shall teach you how to fight.”

Riley sighed and walked over to the weapons stall where Clyde had a weapon out. “That’ll be $2.34.”

“You’re kidding me,” Riley deadpanned as Clyde had a wooden dagger in his hands. “We have to use real money?!”

“Yes.” Clyde said holding a hand out.

Giving a sigh, Riley pulled out the money and paid for it as she had the weapon in her hand, wondering why on earth they were using real money for this game.

“Ah you have procured yourself a weapon, it is now time to teach you how to fight.” Eric said waddling up. “Now I want you to take your new weapon and with the slyness of a sneaky thief… Beat up Clyde.”

“Excuse me?” Riley asked as Clyde let out a ‘what’.

“Kick Clyde’s ass new kid.”

“What did I do?!” Clyde asked at the injustice of the order.

“I’m the King Clyde and the King wishes to be amused.” Eric countered with a smirk. “Go on new kid, kick his ass.”

Riley was sorely tempted to smack Eric over the head, but Clyde pulled out his weapon, a wooden sword. “I’m going to kick your ass.”

Seeing him running at her caused Riley to tense.

She didn’t know what she was doing as she ducked a swipe, grappled his sword arm and flung him over her shoulder, sending him tumbling to the ground.

“Oh hell ya, Clyde’s your bitch.” Eric called out at seeing that as he laughed.

“What? I was going easy, take this.” Clyde went again but Riley jumped back to dodge the swipe and spun around, slamming the handle of the dagger against Clyde’s face earning a crack.

“Oh shit, I see blood, fucking nice bro.” Eric commented as Riley looked to see that she broke Clyde’s nose and she winced.

She didn’t mean to do that-... Then again how was she able to fight in the first place?

It just seemed so familiar.

Seeing as how Clyde was still getting up, Riley decided to be sneaky as she kicked some dust up into everyone’s eyes causing them to complain but when it cleared they were surprised to see that she was gone.

“The fuck?” Eric asked in confusion. “Where did Douchebag go?”

“Ha coward-.” Clyde’s comment was cut off when he was hit from behind and sent face first into the ground as Riley stood there with a raised brow.

Seeing as how the fight seemed to be over from how everyone was cheering, Riley went to help Clyde up only for him to knock her hand away and pushed himself up with a glare while Eric was laughing.

“Oh man that was awesome, you were like pow and Clyde was like ‘oh noo’.” Eric laughed his chubby butt off as Clyde and Riley glared at him before he calmed down. “Okay, okay you proved yourself worthy Douchebag, come inside the War Tent and I shall let you see the Relic.”

As he left, Riley turned to apologize to Clyde only to see that he was walking away, muttering to himself.

On seeing that, Riley sighed before looking at Butters. “That was great Riley.” He said making the girl happy that he wasn’t calling her the nickname that Eric came up with her.

Kenny gave a nod and spoke up, again being muffled by his parka. “I have to agree, Craig isn’t a pushover in a fight,” He said with a nod. “Congrats.”

Giving a grin, Riley thanked them before running into the tent to see what this relic was.

Riley barely made it inside when Eric spoke up. “Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die for.” He said gesturing to a podium where a stick laid on a pillow causing Riley’s face to give off a deadpanned look. “The Stick of Truth.”

A stick? That’s the all-powerful and ancient relic for this game-then again there had to be some cutbacks considering how they made the castle area so it wasn’t really that bad.

“Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves.” Eric continued, making Riley turn to him to pay attention. “Our Kingdom was dying but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the Universe.”

Huh, okay that made this game a bit more interesting. These guys had quite a bit of imagination to make it all like this.

Now Eric really began to act dramatic with it. “Don’t gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at.” With that said, he turned to Riley and turned her away from the Stick. “Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let’s discuss your dues.”

“Dues?” Riley asked in confusion.

Eric just ignored her question. “Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible.”

Now Riley had disbelief on her face.

First she had to pay for the weapon, now she had to pay to play this game?! Forget tha-.

“Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!” Butter’s voice sounded from outside.

Now Eric looked tense. “Somebody is sounding the alarm!” He declared right when Butters ran in. “What is it?”

“The Elves are attacking!” Butters explained making Eric tighten the grip on his staff.

“Oh my God, defensive positions!” He shouted running out with Butters, leaving Riley inside of the tent looking a bit overwhelmed by what was happening.

This ‘attack’ just came out of nowhere.

Shaking her head, Riley righted the blue hood of her tattered cloak and ran out, gripping the wooden dagger.

“Man the gate,” Eric ordered his army of three-now four with Riley there. “Don’t let anyone through.”

Quite the challenge considering Riley counted nine to ten ‘Elves’ attacking against the five of them. “Give us the Stick, humans!”

“Fuck you Drow Elf,” Eric retorted with no hesitation, giving the Elves the finger. “Come and get it.”

Eric then turned to Clyde.

“Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the Fortress!”

“Aye-Aye!” Clyde ran towards the tent, not bothering to look at Riley as he ran by.

“‘Aye-Aye’? This isn’t pirates Clyde,” Eric glared at his back, turning towards Riley. “Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold back those asshole Elves at all costs!”

Riley’s eyes widened before the Elves began to surge forward, separating Butters, Kenny and Scott from Eric and Riley two of them surrounding the new girl.

“Do it Douchebag, kick these Elve’s asses.” Eric ordered backing up to where he was out of the crossfire making Riley frown as he wasn’t fighting at all before she saw that one of the two Elves had a wooden sword that was definitely bigger than her little dagger while the other one had suction cup arrows.

The latter quickly fired the arrow before she could react and even though they were suction cupped arrows, Riley stumbled from the hit.

It was definitely more painful than she thought it would be.

“You’re wounded Douchebag,” Eric tossed a bag to Riley who caught it with a fumble. “Here Potions will heal you.”

Riley blinked at seeing that the potions were nothing more than ‘Cheesy Poofs’. “How would this-.”

“Just eat them!” Eric snapped making Riley jump before she opened the bag and ate a few, feeling surprised when she felt better, not seeing Eric hide a syringe of stimulants that he injected into the Cheesy Poofs. “The rules say you can have one potion for every three minutes, I asked for five but this was compromise. Look out try to block their attacks.”

Thanks to the stimulated Cheesy Poofs, Riley was able to see all of the attacks coming and easily blocked them with her dagger, knocking him to the floor.

“Block enough times and you’ll get to counter attack, look at him on the ground weak and defenseless.” Eric looked to be enjoying this a lot more than he should’ve. “Kick the shit out of him.”

“Sorry.” Riley apologized slamming the dagger against the kid on the ground.

“Don’t apologize they’re the enemy,” Eric snapped a bit annoyed but happy to see the kid out. “Alright now finish that archer off in the name of the Wizard King!”

Seeing the archer notching another arrow, Riley ducked before running at him, kicking his feet out from underneath him and hitting him in the face with her dagger, ending the fight.

Quickly climbing to his feet, the archer ran off screaming, leaving behind the bow and suction cup arrows. “By right of conquest you have obtained the Bow of Sucking.” Eric said dramatically with Riley wondering why this Eric was the king around here.

But she saw Butters in trouble and jumped in not wanting her friend to be hurt. “Hey thanks new kid.” Butters said with a grin.

Riley smirked, swinging the dagger but was caught off guard when she was suddenly thrown back, hitting the ground and sliding across it. “What just happened?” She asked in complete confusion.

“He was totally waiting for you Douchebag.” Eric explained showing that he wasn’t going to stop calling her that right as a suction cup arrow slammed into her face. “And then there’s that wuss with the arrows, so try sniping that little bitch.”

‘ _ How his Mom hasn’t wash his mouth out with soap is beyond me. _ ’ Riley thought pulling the arrow off her face with a frown. ‘ _ If it was me I would be grounded for life. _ ’

But she was having a lot of fun. Even if she was getting hurt in this weird game, it was really hard not to have a grin.

So she pulled the bow out and shot the guy except wincing at where it hit with the guy falling over in agony.

“Ah Douchebag you never shoot a guy in the dick,” Eric said looking annoyed. “Jesus fuck, it’s like Butters all over again. Not cool!”

“Hey.” Butters muttered a bit dejected recalling that certain memory. “You gave me the gun when we held those nice Asian’s hostage.”

Wait what?

Riley gave Butters a weird look not sure if she wanted to know.

Turning back to the last guy, Riley noticed how his stance shifted like he was waiting for a baseball. “Careful Douchebag that guy is ready for your arrows.”

Having that explained, Riley grinned and seconds later the guy was beat up.

“Oh shit, Douchebag is out for blood!” Eric gave a laugh before hearing a loud cry.

Turning around he saw Kenny being cornered right as part of the castle fell off and crushed him.

“Aye!” Eric yelled waving his staff. “I thought we agreed on no killing the Princess, motherfuckers!”

“You bastards!” Butters yelled out while Riley gaped at seeing that Princess Kenny was dead before rats swarmed out and ate his body.

Yet no one was really freaking out-in fact it looked as if they just forgot?

While she wanted to question that, Riley ducked as Scott was being chased, kicking the guy back.

“Seriously fight till the last man,” Eric ordered with Scott now hiding behind him. “This is embarrassing guys!”

‘ _ Maybe you should try fighting yourself. _ ’ Riley thought in annoyance but kept fighting as someone was about to hit her from behind only for Butters to spin around, throwing his hammer to knock the attacker back.

“I’ve got your back yo.” Butters said sounding nervous but gripping his hammer tightly.

Riley smiled at him. “Appreciate it.”

Doing a quick count, she saw that there were at least four Elves left and they seemed to realize how quickly the tables have turned as the one leading them gave an order. “Fall Back!”

“Yes! Awesome dude!” Eric said with a laugh watching them run off, the defeated Elves limping away. “Take that you asshole elves, better luck next time!”

With that said, he began to do a mocking dance.

“NA NA NA NAAAA NA,” Eric taunted a demented grin on his face. “We still control the Universe. HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!”

In the midst of his taunting, Clyde approached looking very nervous.

“Hey you alright?” Riley asked in concern still trying to be nice but Clyde ignored her showing he was going to be carrying a bit of a grudge with him being humiliated.

Taking a deep breath, Clyde spoke to Eric. “It’s gone.”

Immediately Eric stopped his incessant taunting. “What?”

“The Stick of Truth,” Clyde elaborated nervously. “The Elves got it.”

It got silent as Butters and Scott backed away from Eric leading for Riley to do the same.

Eric stared at Clyde in silence, looking as if he couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing and slowly anger showed in his eyes before he got in Clyde’s face. “ _THAT WAS YOUR ONE GODDAMN JOB CLYDE!_ ” He shouted with spit flying. “ _TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!_ ”

Riley jumped, sure as hell not expecting that kind of outburst with her backing up a bit further to avoid being pulled into the crossfire of the yelling while Eric backed up.

“Clyde… You are hereby _BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!_ ”

“What?! No,” Clyde said with a glare. “You can’t do that!”

“Yeah I can,” Eric said not caring about him not wanting to leave. “You’re banished and lost in time and space.”

“Yeah go home Clyde.” Butters said agreeing with Eric most likely to not be banished as well.

Giving one last glare, Clyde stomped off, passing Riley, giving her quite the glare as well. As soon as he was out of sight, Eric looked at Riley.

“You fought bravely on the battlefield Douchebag.” Eric complemented and Riley would’ve accepted that if it wasn’t for the damn nickname he gave her.

“Yeah the New Kid may be a Douchebag but he can sure fight.” Scott said with Riley opening her mouth to say not to call her that but it died down when she realized that Scott said ‘He’.

Do these guys think she’s a boy?!

Sure she was a tomboy but it should be obvious that she’s a girl.

At first she wanted to correct them but the words of the late Princess Kenny flashed through her mind.

‘ _ You wouldn’t let any girls join or Butters be Marjorine, so someone had to be the princess fat ass. _ ’

Chances are if Cartman ever figured out she was a girl he would most likely banish her from this game the same way he just banished Clyde.

“Hey Ril-er Douchebag, you okay?” Butters asked having to correct himself when Cartman gave him a look.

Slowly Riley gave a nod not saying anything about her real gender.

She can’t let them find out.

**Author's Note:**

> So what do you think? I recently played South Park the Stick of Truth after getting the Fractured But Whole and I was inspired to write this one with my own version of Douchebag/Dovahkiin as Riley Tyson, here’s the thing.
> 
> Due to being nine and a bit of a tomboy, everyone thinks Riley is a guy-otherwise Cartman wouldn’t let her play due to his dislike of girls. Plus it also helps set up the whole gender thing from the sequel of the game.
> 
> Anyways, some of it will play out like the game, but the biggest AU will show during the battle of the stick at school and that’s all I’m going to say for the moment.
> 
> Now I’ll admit I’m a bit rusty at my South Park knowledge, haven’t seen the show in years or really watched it all that much so I need to fix that, but I hope you liked the easter eggs so far, like the three with Butter’s.
> 
> I’m talking about his eye being funny, referencing to when he fought Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny when they were being ninjas and he took a Ninja Star to the eye-ouch, then there’s the time he was forced to fake his death and crossdress into Marjorine in order to infiltrate a slumber party. Finally there was that Hostage Situation where he and Cartman took a lot of people hostage and Butters kept shooting them in the dick.
> 
> Speaking of Butters, his character will be going through the biggest change in the course of this story because I actually like his character.
> 
> Finally there will be an explanation for all of their special moves, the PP ones, involving a certain South Park Character so please wait for it.


End file.
